Like we used to...

I'm in a weird place right now. A lot has changed.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder as well as Panic disorder.
This makes a lot of sense, even though I know I'm Borderline. But it's the same medication, so I'm not too worried about getting crazier. They've started me on Seroquel and they're probably going to add mood stabilizers and an anti-depressant. I'm just in desperate need of an upper and don't know how to ask for them.

I also live in a fried's living room, which has actually been way better than living with my parents.

My relationship life is...strange. I don't know that I can explain it. I'm torn between two guys. One that would probably treat me a million times better than the one I've got, but the one I've got....I don't know how to cut it off even though he's such an ass hole. Maybe if he goes crazy on me one more time, I'll end it for good, and go to the other guy...if he's still around.


Sigh.


Thinspo update soon.


I've lost a bunch of weight but haven't had a scale. I think I've lost like 10 pounds. :)

Losing weight rapidly!

Sorry it's been so long since I've been on here!

I have good news to report, I'm now down to 136.8, the lowest I've been in awhile.
When my ex dumped me (the big deal ex) I as 159.8...Oh god.
But I'm happy to say, I'm getting closer to my goal.






So, my first BIG goal is going to be 130.0, because I haven't been that in a few years. I'm 6.8 pounds away.
I've started back at the gym. It's kicking my ass, but it's working.












I've been having a lot of emotional breakdowns lately, and it's not getting better.
Actually, it's getting a lot worse.

I went to the "free" mental health building downtown to talk to someone and it was almost impossible to get through my psychiatric evaluation, and then the bitch told me that I didn't have enough wrong with me. I lost it. I was crying, in front of a stranger, and then she finally signed me up to talk to a psychiatrist. Apparently, we'll be combining therapy, medication and groups in order to get me "well" in a year. Ha, good luck. I'm happy about the medication, though. I need something to take all of this emotion away. It's too much to deal with and I'm too fragile. I can't handle it.

Watching Jennifer's Body.

I'll update soon.

I've just been insanely busy.



*hugs*

We broke up again.

He broke up with me last night because he feels like he doesn't deserve me; that I'm too good for him. He says he feels worthless and doesn't understand why someone like me would love him.

I didn't say anything, I just cried.










Today, he woke me with a text message that said he made the worst mistake of his life last night and he wants me back and he's so sorry.











I told him to take some time, like a week, to make sure that he really wants to be with me. Maybe not getting to have me will open his fucking eyes.











I'm debating whether or not to take some scissors to my hair.

Paper Bag.

I got a 96% on my Sociology exam.
Which means I don't have to take the final, so that's three A's in a row...as long as I did well on my term paper (which I did on what causes deviance in women), I should end up with an A. Whew.



My boyfriend was looking at me today and got a weird look on his face.
J: "Your face is really skinny."
Me: "...thanks?"
J: "Like...you can really see the weight you've lost..."
Me: "Uh...okay? Thanks. Even though that doesn't sound like a compliment."
J: "Are you...I mean, are you eating?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm totally eating. I eat all the time."
J: "Are you...like...throwing up or anything?"
Me: "No, no. My face gets bloated when I do that, so obviously not."

And then I switched the subject.
He says he can tell that I've lost a bunch of weight.
:) :) :)








I hate being on my period.
I ate pizza today.
Really thought I was going to puke, my stomach has definitely shrunk.






The substance abuse program is going well.
I have anger management tomorrow...that should be interesting.


Tegan and Sara are so cute. Listen to em if you haven't already.


Today...well, yesterday, I guess...was me and my boyfriend's 4 month anniversary.
:)
I love him, but I'm sure the reason we aren't having much sex anymore is because I'm a fucking fat ass. 30 more pounds...



I'm going to go eat, puke, and then take a shower.
I need to shave my legs among other things. XD
I am always so exhausted about 3 hours of therapy.
:[









I really want this as a tattoo:

High.

I started therapy today. It's an incredibly intensive program called Pathways to Recovery. I will hopefully meet with the psychiatrist tomorrow so I can get a diagnosis and get on some medication for all of my personality disorder shit. I have to go every single day for 3 hours, and then 3 days a week I have to go to a 12-step program meeting. I'm interested in going to the self-injury/anxiety/depression meeting and the Co-Dependency one, but not so much the AA or NA. I don't belong there, and one of my counselors has already noticed and may switch me over to something called C.O.R.E. instead of what I'm in which is Paths. I just want to get some therapy and medication so I'm not so miserable all the time. You get it.




I am on my period...AGAIN.
This is the third time this month, I think.
It's because I started birth control and then had sex a few days into taking it, so I got all paranoid and took Plan B.
I can't go through another abortion. Who knows if I can even get pregnant again...I can't think about that right now. I'm feeling fragile.




I stole three Vicodin from my mom today to deal with my life.
I am still high and want to sleep...
but I still have to study for my Sociology test tomorrow.












I had a grilled cheese sandwich today, that's it.
Still no appetite.
And this is gross, but I had the WORST GAS today. Not smelly at all, but just a TON.




I really need to go shopping.

I really, really wish I had someone to pay for all my shopping and take me out to dinner. I wish both my boyfriend and I weren't so fucking broke.
















I need something new and exciting to happen.
I need a present.
I need seduction.
I need...I need...I need.












I really wish my boyfriend would surprise me right now and just grab my face, run his fingers through my hair, and kiss me soft and long. I want him to kiss me without expecting me to go down on him or have sex with him. I love doing both of those things but I miss the days when someone would kiss me so sweetly...but I shouldn't be thinking about that stuff. I love my boyfriend and I only want him. (Believe me, this is a new feeling for me.) But I just really need some affection and for him to make love to me. I hate saying that because it embarrasses me, or makes me uncomfortable putting it that way. But I really, really need him like that right now. I'm tired of fucking.