Paper Bag.

I got a 96% on my Sociology exam.
Which means I don't have to take the final, so that's three A's in a row...as long as I did well on my term paper (which I did on what causes deviance in women), I should end up with an A. Whew.



My boyfriend was looking at me today and got a weird look on his face.
J: "Your face is really skinny."
Me: "...thanks?"
J: "Like...you can really see the weight you've lost..."
Me: "Uh...okay? Thanks. Even though that doesn't sound like a compliment."
J: "Are you...I mean, are you eating?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm totally eating. I eat all the time."
J: "Are you...like...throwing up or anything?"
Me: "No, no. My face gets bloated when I do that, so obviously not."

And then I switched the subject.
He says he can tell that I've lost a bunch of weight.
:) :) :)








I hate being on my period.
I ate pizza today.
Really thought I was going to puke, my stomach has definitely shrunk.






The substance abuse program is going well.
I have anger management tomorrow...that should be interesting.


Tegan and Sara are so cute. Listen to em if you haven't already.


Today...well, yesterday, I guess...was me and my boyfriend's 4 month anniversary.
:)
I love him, but I'm sure the reason we aren't having much sex anymore is because I'm a fucking fat ass. 30 more pounds...



I'm going to go eat, puke, and then take a shower.
I need to shave my legs among other things. XD
I am always so exhausted about 3 hours of therapy.
:[









I really want this as a tattoo:

I love to lose.

Darling followers, I have lots another 3 pounds.
So, I'm at 135.8.
:) Progress.
I've eaten pretty much nothing in days.
Feels great.







I've just got to find a really great way to get rid of this tummy pudge and these huge thighs. I loathe the gym. I'm going to start saving for a bike. :3





I shouldn't have had all that beer last night.
But I didn't feel too badly because I didn't eat a thing all day.
It's getting easier to "forget" to eat.





I wish I knew how to be more feminine.
I want to be pretty, and dainty, and lovely.
But...I don't know.
I feel like a gigantic burly monster.
I'm going to attempt some more make-up stuff tonight...
wish I had a curler.




Things aren't going as well with Boyfriend.
Nothing really bad going on...but I just need a lot more attention than I get.
And today, he was really mean to me for no reason.
*shrug*
I don't know.
We'll see.
I'm tired from taking 60mg of Adderall yesterday.




My boyfriend thinks she's perfect.
Well, I sure don't look like that.
Ergo, I feel disgsuting.




Why am I so jealous of every girl?
It's maddening.











I want to be so many things.
I want to be bad-ass and beautiful.
I want to be fragile and thin.
I want to be unique.
But I am none of these things.
Yet.




BEST TATTOO I HAVE EVER SEEN. NEEDS IT.







Question to all you lovely ladies:
When you're feeling particularly ugly/fat, what do you do to make yourself feel really, really pretty?

Who needs to sleep?

Apparently, not me.
The last week...I don't know what it is.
Maybe too much caffeine?
I just cannot sleep.
Or, conversely, I'll be exhausted and sleep 15 hours.
I'll talk to the doctor about that.





I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow.
I haven't eaten much in awhile, and it feels like I've lost weight.
Cross your fingers...

Speaking of the doctor...
I went to the mental health place.
I was shaking the whole time, because I was so scared of looking crazy, so scared of them calling a 5150 on me and locking me up.
But, they didn't!
In fact, I have to go back tomorrow to a different place next door and talk to some doctors about outpatient treatment for my...whatever I have.
I'm really excited about it.
Maybe I won't have to feel all this irrational rage and anxiety.
Maybe can actually...I don't know.
I don't know what I'm hoping for.








All I know is that I am working really hard to lose weight.
I'm putting so much effort into school.
All I want is to eat Adderall, drink Diet Coke, and smoke cigarettes.
All day, every day.


If you haven't seen the documentary "Thin", by HBO, you MUST watch it. Seriously.
A few of the girls from it have died already...which is sad. =/
Just watch it.














Goal for today:
ZERO CALORIES.
:)

I am a robot.

I got an A on my Sociology test. I got 48/50, which is a 96%. Good, but I'm shooting for 100% on the next test. Thanks for any good vibes anyone sent my way. ;)



My intake is the same as it was earlier.
But I had a couple million cigarettes and a Stacker III.
Oh, and three Melatonin.
And a half Klonopin.








My boyfriend is a shut down piece of shit sometimes. I mean that with all the love in my heart. He just makes me so frustrated. He just has no emotion for days on end, even though we had the conversation YESTERDAY about how much he loves me and how he promises to show it more and not hurt me.

Whatever, two can play this emotions game. Watch how shut off I can be.





I'm headed to LA for the weekend.
Hopefully since I got an A on my test, my mother will pay to get my hair done.
What should I do to it?
I am sick of it.




Goals for tomorrow:

1. Under 500 cals.
2. Drive to LA safely.
3. Make him miss me.
4. Study Sociology.

Ever so sweet.

I am full of love for my boyfriend today, even though he was pretty hurtful earlire in the day. Perhaps it's my lack of sleep or a side effect of the various prescriptions I've been shoving under my tongue...regardless, I am overwhelmed with emotion for him and the idea that I can picture myself marrying him. We've been dating for two months, we are totally unstable, and it's like a tornado meeting a volcano. (Forgive that Eminem reference, but that new song with Rihanna is amazing and pretty much my life.) I don't know if how I feel about him is still the horrible delusion I always seem to fall under whenever I'm dating anyone because I'm so desperate to get married and have children. All of it comes down to the fact that I need to be needed, otherwise I feel utterly worthless. Well, lots of things make me feel worthless...but that's neither here nor there.






I did not weigh myself today because I don't believe in weighing myself on the first day of my period. In fact, I don't believe in the five pounds I've supposedly gained in the last week. I was positively shitting myself when I found out I was back in the 130's (it's been over two years since I was 135, and then got happy-fat with a boyfriend, dumped, then got wine-fat for awhile.)





I worked out really hard today.
My boyfriend is a trainer at Bally's Total Fitness, so he's my new (and FREE!) personal trainer! Hurray!
I'll type out everything we did next time because I'm too high on some Vicodin right now to type it all out. (I had horrible cramps, so my mom gave me some pills.)



Tomorrow...or rather, today, since it's after midnight.
Goals:
1 - Get an A on my Sociology test.
2 - Stay under 500 calories.
3 - Have at least eight bottles of water.
4 - Get in a solid workout.
5 - Get to bed early.










[Update]

What J and I did yesterday at the gym:

Lunges - Dumbbell

Set 1: 8 x 15 lbs

Set 2: 8 x 15 lbs

Set 3: 8 x 15 lbs

Set 4: 8 x 15 lbs


Thigh Abductor

Set 1: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 2: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 3: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 4: 15 x 35 lbs

Hip Abductor

Set 1: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 2: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 3: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 4: 15 x 35 lbs



Leg Press

Set 1: 8 x 50 lbs

Set 2: 8 x 50 lbs

Set 3: 8 x 50 lbs


Calf Press - Leg Press Machine

Set 1: 8 x 45 lbs

Set 2: 8 x 45 lbs

Set 3: 8 x 45 lbs

Crunch - Exercise Ball

Set 1: 10 reps

Set 2: 10 reps

Set 3: 10 reps

Set 4: 10 reps





For me, that was a LOT.
I haven't been to the gym, let alone that active at the gym, in years.
He says we're going to start building slowly because I'm new to really training hard.
His last girlfriend he trained at the gym lost 30 pounds in about 2 and a half months.
He says he bets that in two weeks, I will have lost a solid five pounds at LEAST.
I love him. :) Wanna see a picture? Okay, but don't tell anyone I showed you.


Cute.


Me and Him.


When I had red hair.