Look at my gut.

[bulletproof]

We broke up.
But we're not dating other people.






He wants to sort his life out and keep me on the back burner.
My heart is broken.

So.



I've decided to starve.





I will starve until they take me to the hospital.





I drank a lot this weekend. Puked a lot, too.
But while my heart mends, I will just keep busy at the gym and avoiding any and all foods.






My chest hurts.






Me, last night, drunk as shit:


LOOK AT THOSE THUNDER THIGHS. Oh my god.



I've got to learn to take care of myself better.

Dr. Horrible and Sociology.

My boyfriend and I are on a break.
My best friend is in a crazy house because he's schizophrenic.
Temptation Man is in town for the weekend.
I'm on my period.

I don't even know what to say.








I just want to tonight to go really well.
Maybe I'll get drunk two days in a row.
I was puking by a canal.
Beer, wine and jager/diet cokes....it'll getcha.


If you haven't seen The Science of Sleep...get on that.






I'm off to get wasted.

Goodnight, angels.

Falling Out of Love at This Volume.

This is me today.
I decided to put on some extra make-up.
It's incredibly hot where I live.
I feel like a gigantic, bloated whale, so I have a poofy-skirted dress in to hide my gut, black acid ashed skinny jeans, and a mustard yellow sweater with the sleeves rolled up. I'm going to be sweating but at least you can't really tell how fat I am.

Tonight, hanging out with Boyfriend.
We'll see how this goes.
I'm going to feign happiness and maybe it'll happen.
I wonder if he'll even notice.





Update later with lots and lots of pictures.

Fuck.

I don't believe my scale.
I don't believe my scale
I don't believe my scale.


This stupid fucking week of having my period has RUINED ALL OF MY FUCKING PROGRESS.


That is fucking IT.
Water fast for two weeks.

Starting NOW.

My heart hurts.

Worst day ever.
Car got towed.
Had to pay $245.00 to get it back.
Mother is pissed.
I binged.
My boyfriend is still not giving me enough attention.
As a hypothetical question I asked what he would do with his time if we broke up.
His response?
"Go to bars and try to get laid."
My heart absolutely broke.

I feel like crying.










My boyfriend is an ass hole.

Quick Post of Lovely Things.

I'm hungry as hell, so I'm posting to avoid walking downstairs and binging.










I am feeling incredibly needy today. I just want to be hugged and snuggled and loved on, but at the same time, I don't want to be touched. And I'm trying to protect myself because my shut off boyfriend is so...unpredictable. This feels really lonely.








To distract myself further, I'm going to do some studying. I'm determined to get an A on my next test.

I hate myself today.

Maybe I'll straighten my hair and put on ridiculous amounts of make-up.
Or maybe I'll just go to sleep.


More later.

I am a robot.

I got an A on my Sociology test. I got 48/50, which is a 96%. Good, but I'm shooting for 100% on the next test. Thanks for any good vibes anyone sent my way. ;)



My intake is the same as it was earlier.
But I had a couple million cigarettes and a Stacker III.
Oh, and three Melatonin.
And a half Klonopin.








My boyfriend is a shut down piece of shit sometimes. I mean that with all the love in my heart. He just makes me so frustrated. He just has no emotion for days on end, even though we had the conversation YESTERDAY about how much he loves me and how he promises to show it more and not hurt me.

Whatever, two can play this emotions game. Watch how shut off I can be.





I'm headed to LA for the weekend.
Hopefully since I got an A on my test, my mother will pay to get my hair done.
What should I do to it?
I am sick of it.




Goals for tomorrow:

1. Under 500 cals.
2. Drive to LA safely.
3. Make him miss me.
4. Study Sociology.

Quick post before class.

I'll give a full update after class tonight, but I just wanted to log on for a moment before my first Sociology test. *crosses fingers*




Intake:
1/2 peanut butter sandwich (wheat bread, low calorie peanut butter) : 195 calories (JESUS! Never that again.)
1 Diet Coke - 0 cals

Ever so sweet.

I am full of love for my boyfriend today, even though he was pretty hurtful earlire in the day. Perhaps it's my lack of sleep or a side effect of the various prescriptions I've been shoving under my tongue...regardless, I am overwhelmed with emotion for him and the idea that I can picture myself marrying him. We've been dating for two months, we are totally unstable, and it's like a tornado meeting a volcano. (Forgive that Eminem reference, but that new song with Rihanna is amazing and pretty much my life.) I don't know if how I feel about him is still the horrible delusion I always seem to fall under whenever I'm dating anyone because I'm so desperate to get married and have children. All of it comes down to the fact that I need to be needed, otherwise I feel utterly worthless. Well, lots of things make me feel worthless...but that's neither here nor there.






I did not weigh myself today because I don't believe in weighing myself on the first day of my period. In fact, I don't believe in the five pounds I've supposedly gained in the last week. I was positively shitting myself when I found out I was back in the 130's (it's been over two years since I was 135, and then got happy-fat with a boyfriend, dumped, then got wine-fat for awhile.)





I worked out really hard today.
My boyfriend is a trainer at Bally's Total Fitness, so he's my new (and FREE!) personal trainer! Hurray!
I'll type out everything we did next time because I'm too high on some Vicodin right now to type it all out. (I had horrible cramps, so my mom gave me some pills.)



Tomorrow...or rather, today, since it's after midnight.
Goals:
1 - Get an A on my Sociology test.
2 - Stay under 500 calories.
3 - Have at least eight bottles of water.
4 - Get in a solid workout.
5 - Get to bed early.










[Update]

What J and I did yesterday at the gym:

Lunges - Dumbbell

Set 1: 8 x 15 lbs

Set 2: 8 x 15 lbs

Set 3: 8 x 15 lbs

Set 4: 8 x 15 lbs


Thigh Abductor

Set 1: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 2: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 3: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 4: 15 x 35 lbs

Hip Abductor

Set 1: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 2: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 3: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 4: 15 x 35 lbs



Leg Press

Set 1: 8 x 50 lbs

Set 2: 8 x 50 lbs

Set 3: 8 x 50 lbs


Calf Press - Leg Press Machine

Set 1: 8 x 45 lbs

Set 2: 8 x 45 lbs

Set 3: 8 x 45 lbs

Crunch - Exercise Ball

Set 1: 10 reps

Set 2: 10 reps

Set 3: 10 reps

Set 4: 10 reps





For me, that was a LOT.
I haven't been to the gym, let alone that active at the gym, in years.
He says we're going to start building slowly because I'm new to really training hard.
His last girlfriend he trained at the gym lost 30 pounds in about 2 and a half months.
He says he bets that in two weeks, I will have lost a solid five pounds at LEAST.
I love him. :) Wanna see a picture? Okay, but don't tell anyone I showed you.


Cute.


Me and Him.


When I had red hair.