I am a robot.

I got an A on my Sociology test. I got 48/50, which is a 96%. Good, but I'm shooting for 100% on the next test. Thanks for any good vibes anyone sent my way. ;)



My intake is the same as it was earlier.
But I had a couple million cigarettes and a Stacker III.
Oh, and three Melatonin.
And a half Klonopin.








My boyfriend is a shut down piece of shit sometimes. I mean that with all the love in my heart. He just makes me so frustrated. He just has no emotion for days on end, even though we had the conversation YESTERDAY about how much he loves me and how he promises to show it more and not hurt me.

Whatever, two can play this emotions game. Watch how shut off I can be.





I'm headed to LA for the weekend.
Hopefully since I got an A on my test, my mother will pay to get my hair done.
What should I do to it?
I am sick of it.




Goals for tomorrow:

1. Under 500 cals.
2. Drive to LA safely.
3. Make him miss me.
4. Study Sociology.

Ever so sweet.

I am full of love for my boyfriend today, even though he was pretty hurtful earlire in the day. Perhaps it's my lack of sleep or a side effect of the various prescriptions I've been shoving under my tongue...regardless, I am overwhelmed with emotion for him and the idea that I can picture myself marrying him. We've been dating for two months, we are totally unstable, and it's like a tornado meeting a volcano. (Forgive that Eminem reference, but that new song with Rihanna is amazing and pretty much my life.) I don't know if how I feel about him is still the horrible delusion I always seem to fall under whenever I'm dating anyone because I'm so desperate to get married and have children. All of it comes down to the fact that I need to be needed, otherwise I feel utterly worthless. Well, lots of things make me feel worthless...but that's neither here nor there.






I did not weigh myself today because I don't believe in weighing myself on the first day of my period. In fact, I don't believe in the five pounds I've supposedly gained in the last week. I was positively shitting myself when I found out I was back in the 130's (it's been over two years since I was 135, and then got happy-fat with a boyfriend, dumped, then got wine-fat for awhile.)





I worked out really hard today.
My boyfriend is a trainer at Bally's Total Fitness, so he's my new (and FREE!) personal trainer! Hurray!
I'll type out everything we did next time because I'm too high on some Vicodin right now to type it all out. (I had horrible cramps, so my mom gave me some pills.)



Tomorrow...or rather, today, since it's after midnight.
Goals:
1 - Get an A on my Sociology test.
2 - Stay under 500 calories.
3 - Have at least eight bottles of water.
4 - Get in a solid workout.
5 - Get to bed early.










[Update]

What J and I did yesterday at the gym:

Lunges - Dumbbell

Set 1: 8 x 15 lbs

Set 2: 8 x 15 lbs

Set 3: 8 x 15 lbs

Set 4: 8 x 15 lbs


Thigh Abductor

Set 1: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 2: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 3: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 4: 15 x 35 lbs

Hip Abductor

Set 1: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 2: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 3: 15 x 35 lbs

Set 4: 15 x 35 lbs



Leg Press

Set 1: 8 x 50 lbs

Set 2: 8 x 50 lbs

Set 3: 8 x 50 lbs


Calf Press - Leg Press Machine

Set 1: 8 x 45 lbs

Set 2: 8 x 45 lbs

Set 3: 8 x 45 lbs

Crunch - Exercise Ball

Set 1: 10 reps

Set 2: 10 reps

Set 3: 10 reps

Set 4: 10 reps





For me, that was a LOT.
I haven't been to the gym, let alone that active at the gym, in years.
He says we're going to start building slowly because I'm new to really training hard.
His last girlfriend he trained at the gym lost 30 pounds in about 2 and a half months.
He says he bets that in two weeks, I will have lost a solid five pounds at LEAST.
I love him. :) Wanna see a picture? Okay, but don't tell anyone I showed you.


Cute.


Me and Him.


When I had red hair.

Lydia Golightly emerges...

CW: 141.2lbs (3:23am)
HW: 159.8lbs
LW: 125.0lbs
GW: 100.0lbs
BMI: 21.5 (normal)
Goal BMI: 15.2

Height: 5'8"
Waist: 28-29 (BDG or Lux jeans)


How many of these have I started since I was 14 years old? I can't even count them. Oh well, here goes another try. But this one is different. I'm not telling any former ana friends or anyone in real life that I'm even on a diet. I did so much better when I kept it an absolute secret and let people wonder.

With a new semester starting, a new boyfriend (I can't believe he even wants to touch me) and planning my life out...being almost 23, I am nowhere near the place I should be. However, I'm not going to think about all of the former failure.

I am determined to be gorgeous.



I am determined to become incredibly feminine.



I am determined to be envied.




Let's be friends.
Let's help each other get thinner.
Goodbye forever to who I was...
and Hello to Lydia Golightly.

xo.