Paper Bag.

I got a 96% on my Sociology exam.
Which means I don't have to take the final, so that's three A's in a row...as long as I did well on my term paper (which I did on what causes deviance in women), I should end up with an A. Whew.



My boyfriend was looking at me today and got a weird look on his face.
J: "Your face is really skinny."
Me: "...thanks?"
J: "Like...you can really see the weight you've lost..."
Me: "Uh...okay? Thanks. Even though that doesn't sound like a compliment."
J: "Are you...I mean, are you eating?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm totally eating. I eat all the time."
J: "Are you...like...throwing up or anything?"
Me: "No, no. My face gets bloated when I do that, so obviously not."

And then I switched the subject.
He says he can tell that I've lost a bunch of weight.
:) :) :)








I hate being on my period.
I ate pizza today.
Really thought I was going to puke, my stomach has definitely shrunk.






The substance abuse program is going well.
I have anger management tomorrow...that should be interesting.


Tegan and Sara are so cute. Listen to em if you haven't already.


Today...well, yesterday, I guess...was me and my boyfriend's 4 month anniversary.
:)
I love him, but I'm sure the reason we aren't having much sex anymore is because I'm a fucking fat ass. 30 more pounds...



I'm going to go eat, puke, and then take a shower.
I need to shave my legs among other things. XD
I am always so exhausted about 3 hours of therapy.
:[









I really want this as a tattoo:

High.

I started therapy today. It's an incredibly intensive program called Pathways to Recovery. I will hopefully meet with the psychiatrist tomorrow so I can get a diagnosis and get on some medication for all of my personality disorder shit. I have to go every single day for 3 hours, and then 3 days a week I have to go to a 12-step program meeting. I'm interested in going to the self-injury/anxiety/depression meeting and the Co-Dependency one, but not so much the AA or NA. I don't belong there, and one of my counselors has already noticed and may switch me over to something called C.O.R.E. instead of what I'm in which is Paths. I just want to get some therapy and medication so I'm not so miserable all the time. You get it.




I am on my period...AGAIN.
This is the third time this month, I think.
It's because I started birth control and then had sex a few days into taking it, so I got all paranoid and took Plan B.
I can't go through another abortion. Who knows if I can even get pregnant again...I can't think about that right now. I'm feeling fragile.




I stole three Vicodin from my mom today to deal with my life.
I am still high and want to sleep...
but I still have to study for my Sociology test tomorrow.












I had a grilled cheese sandwich today, that's it.
Still no appetite.
And this is gross, but I had the WORST GAS today. Not smelly at all, but just a TON.




I really need to go shopping.

I really, really wish I had someone to pay for all my shopping and take me out to dinner. I wish both my boyfriend and I weren't so fucking broke.
















I need something new and exciting to happen.
I need a present.
I need seduction.
I need...I need...I need.












I really wish my boyfriend would surprise me right now and just grab my face, run his fingers through my hair, and kiss me soft and long. I want him to kiss me without expecting me to go down on him or have sex with him. I love doing both of those things but I miss the days when someone would kiss me so sweetly...but I shouldn't be thinking about that stuff. I love my boyfriend and I only want him. (Believe me, this is a new feeling for me.) But I just really need some affection and for him to make love to me. I hate saying that because it embarrasses me, or makes me uncomfortable putting it that way. But I really, really need him like that right now. I'm tired of fucking.

Just a quick thinspo update before bed.

I'm starting P90X tomorrow.
Very exciting.
I still haven't had much of an appetite. Big smiles!

I love to lose.

Darling followers, I have lots another 3 pounds.
So, I'm at 135.8.
:) Progress.
I've eaten pretty much nothing in days.
Feels great.







I've just got to find a really great way to get rid of this tummy pudge and these huge thighs. I loathe the gym. I'm going to start saving for a bike. :3





I shouldn't have had all that beer last night.
But I didn't feel too badly because I didn't eat a thing all day.
It's getting easier to "forget" to eat.





I wish I knew how to be more feminine.
I want to be pretty, and dainty, and lovely.
But...I don't know.
I feel like a gigantic burly monster.
I'm going to attempt some more make-up stuff tonight...
wish I had a curler.




Things aren't going as well with Boyfriend.
Nothing really bad going on...but I just need a lot more attention than I get.
And today, he was really mean to me for no reason.
*shrug*
I don't know.
We'll see.
I'm tired from taking 60mg of Adderall yesterday.




My boyfriend thinks she's perfect.
Well, I sure don't look like that.
Ergo, I feel disgsuting.




Why am I so jealous of every girl?
It's maddening.











I want to be so many things.
I want to be bad-ass and beautiful.
I want to be fragile and thin.
I want to be unique.
But I am none of these things.
Yet.




BEST TATTOO I HAVE EVER SEEN. NEEDS IT.







Question to all you lovely ladies:
When you're feeling particularly ugly/fat, what do you do to make yourself feel really, really pretty?

Who needs to sleep?

Apparently, not me.
The last week...I don't know what it is.
Maybe too much caffeine?
I just cannot sleep.
Or, conversely, I'll be exhausted and sleep 15 hours.
I'll talk to the doctor about that.





I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow.
I haven't eaten much in awhile, and it feels like I've lost weight.
Cross your fingers...

Speaking of the doctor...
I went to the mental health place.
I was shaking the whole time, because I was so scared of looking crazy, so scared of them calling a 5150 on me and locking me up.
But, they didn't!
In fact, I have to go back tomorrow to a different place next door and talk to some doctors about outpatient treatment for my...whatever I have.
I'm really excited about it.
Maybe I won't have to feel all this irrational rage and anxiety.
Maybe can actually...I don't know.
I don't know what I'm hoping for.








All I know is that I am working really hard to lose weight.
I'm putting so much effort into school.
All I want is to eat Adderall, drink Diet Coke, and smoke cigarettes.
All day, every day.


If you haven't seen the documentary "Thin", by HBO, you MUST watch it. Seriously.
A few of the girls from it have died already...which is sad. =/
Just watch it.














Goal for today:
ZERO CALORIES.
:)

Where Have I Been?

Updates:

1. 138.8lbs (Down 2lbs! But I still haven't pooped. Hmm.)
2. Back together with my ex.
3. Going in for a psych evaluation tomorrow.







I really feel like I'm losing my mind.
I might be committed for a few days, and that doesn't seem like the worst idea anymore.





I feel like I'm coming undone.



I'm just...I don't know.


Everything is just too overwhelming right now.

Adderall and Klonopin from the boyfriend. (I luff him.)

I wonder how my evaluation will go.
I'm not going to mention the eating disorder, but just all the Borderline Personality Disorder stuff...
















I think my goal by next Monday is to have lost another five pounds.
One meal a day.

Maybe the medications will help...Topamax is supposed to make you lose weight, so maybe I can get that one.











Tomorrow to do:
1. Go get Medi-Cal
2. Go get psych evaluation
3. Chores
4. Research paper
5. Gym

<3.
Goodnight, lovelies.